So, I'm not a big post person, at least I haven't been for a while. There was a time that I would post every single day to my Xanga account. I would write out my thoughts, write poetry or just comment on things I found interested. But slowing over the last four years that diminished to almost nothing. I was also a big time reader of blogs and I would post comments and whatnot.

I can honestly say that I lost myself for the last 3.5 years. Although no one wants to admit something like this out loud, I must say that I lost myself in a man. I never thought I would be the type. I figured that I was uniquely independent, that I observed enough relationships to know better. ** this post is going to be real personal** Before this relationship I had been in two other relationships, short ones. One lasting 6 months and the other 3 months. They were short because my motto was if I started losing myself or if I didn't see where the relationship is working that I would end it before it got too deep. So I ended both those relationships with the quickness. I didn't have high school romances, I was a very late bloomer.

I like to think of myself as a very mature and independent woman but not so independent that I wouldn't dependent on someone or ask for help when need be. Actually for the longest time I didn't ask for help or lean on anyone. That has everything to do with my the type of life I had and that's another story that you'll find in my book, once I write it .So back to the fog... Four years ago this month I met a guy and things progress kinda fast. We dated/talked (more so talked and spent time together because we went on few actual dates... this should have been a sign). Two of my good friends (later I found out my best friend as well) didn't like him. They felt that he wasn't good enough for me, that he wasn't attentive enoughto me. I don't know why I didn't realize this myself but again, I was lost in a fog. By May, I was his girlfriend and by June he told me he loved me. Now I didn't know if I loved him, I'd never been in love before. But I felt like I should say it back... so the next day I did.

I've always known that when I loved that I would love hard. So I did and when things weren't going well, I made it work. I met him 90% of the way when he gave me 10%. There were times I surfaced from the fog and asked for a break, I even broke up with him once. But I was in too deep. His family called me and basically begged me to take him back. I did... Don't get me when, it wasn't just for them. I loved him (or thought I did)because of who he was and despite who he was.

Eventually I had marriage on mind and I fought to make it work because I wanted the engagement ring, I wanted to plan a wedding. I wanted to make it work because I loved him and I tought what we had was to be forever. I was willing to put in the work, no matter how hard it was because that what relationships require- work. But when there's no way or the wrong way, God makes a right way. After denying my request for a break, he asked me for one. Yes I was hurt. I cried but I still made myself available to him. I ran errands with you, I hung out with him. Until one day I got tired of hearing about the girls that were "after him," the girls he went on dates with and messed up because he kept talking about me, and I was just tired of holding on to something that he seemingly let go of. I was tired of being hurt and angry all the time. So I ended our "friendship."I told him we couldn't be friends for awhile. Let's just say after that he made it easy for me to see why it was a good thing the relationship was over. Don't get me wrong it had its good times, its wonderful times but closer to the end those were the exceptions and not the rules.

During my fog, I missed out on a lot. Having great conversations with males, posting and responding to posts, knowing when my friends were hurting, putting me frist, and most importantly writing poetry. I also lost pride in my accomplishments. He made me feel like what I owned and was aiming for was a burden on the relationship.I'm a very independent and ambitious woman and I now know that I need a man who is not intimadated by that ,but encourages me and is just as motivated to realize his goals as I am with mine.Forgive the length, I had a lot to share.

Angry

I've been angry a lot lately. I think the stress of doing too much is getting to me, so I'm angry. What do I do when I'm angry? I get calm, so very calm and that iritates me!!! I just want to do what other angry folks do, like scream or hit something or someone. But no I'm too rational for that. I just sit down, closed my eyes and try to clear my mind. Nevermind that I lose sleep and I lose interest in going out. Beign angry is no fun. But this here blog thingie is my release, so if I come on and write one line know that it's helping me clear my mind. Other than that hope everyone had a great Turkey day!

Next steps

Syracuse sucks!!!! Too many memories and too many people who think they know me. I know this post is coming off as angry. It's okay though because I am angry and I need to vent a bit. I just realized that I like my mother is a nomad at heart. I need to move around, what I really need is a job that either takes me away for business or one that pays enough so I can travel on my own. I've been in Syracuse a bit over two years and when I first moved to this place I told myself that I would only give it two years yet here I am. Next year can not come soon enough!

So next year where do I want to go? I have a couple of places in mind, I don't want to say just yet but as soon as I close the school chapter I am going to open the get Nakia out of Syracuse chapter. From now until December 12, 2008 I have to focus on school. It is the last semester of my 2.5 year 2 Masters career. I can't wait, just three weeks excluding thanksgiving week! Pray for me.

Lost (Losing It) In Translation

I signed up for this blog maybe two or three weeks ago. I figured I needed an outlet for my constant musings. But alas my introverted personally recognized that I needed an outlet but like most time hesitated because it meant being revealing. I signed up for this blog after reading a friends blog. Immediately it brought back memories of Xanga and my college days. Xanga was a big help in college, it provided a great sounding board for the things that pops up in life while you’re trying to live.

This brings me to the topic of this post and of course the name of my blog: Lost (Losing It) In Translation and Double Consciousness (DC) Confessions, respectively. Let’s first address what I mean by Double Consciousness Confessions. Have you ever felt split on an issue? Everyone has at some point or another. Image feeling that way almost always and image constantly feeling torn. Well that’s how I feel. There is so many things going on in my life that I can’t keep up. One moment I think that my mind is made up and the next it isn’t. So here are my confessions…

“You’ve gotta understand my side. I had a crazy, crazy life. Nobody came along to open up my eyes” –Pink

My eyes have been open and I feel I have a pretty good understanding of myself and those around me. But somehow things are not translated into actions or even into words. I must admit this DC causes me to be somewhat confusing at times. For examples I try to talk to some friends about what I’m going through but I know that what they say won’t help me or factor into my decisions. I think I’m using them as non-judgmental sounding boards but they believe they are providing a service by giving advice. Maybe I assume too much but I assume that friends are like, we’ll call her BB. I assume all friends should be like BB. She listened and didn’t offer solutions or advice that is beyond her. She rephrased my words and asked clarifying questions, questions that cleared up her understanding as well as my own.

This is hard for me to admit but sometimes I don’t say what I mean, I say what others want to hear. This stems from to desire to please which is another personality trait, which is both positive and negative. The above quote comes from Pink’s first album and I am listening to this not so old oldie and goodie because so much of what she is singing about is what I’m feeling.

Even now as I try to open up to the many strangers and some friends that will read this post I am holding but. It’s like the red head on ANTM (America’s next top model). She is constantly being told that she is holding but and she is holding on to her control. That’s what I do but as I write I hope to provide insight through my confessions. In the meanwhile I will work on what I say verbally and non-verbally as not to be lost or to lose anyone.