I'm no longer mad at myself...

In this season of thanks giving I find myself at yet another split within myself, which has led me to increased clarity. Why is it that when we are most confused that the greatest breakthroughs come through? I guess it goes back to the old adage about it being the darkest when we can see most clearly, I’m of course paraphrasing because I can’t remember the saying exactly. But with that said let’s start at the beginning of this time of confusion that led into my startlingly moment of clarity.

Very rarely do I think about my ex-boyfriend. Let’s just say that I was thankful for the relationship and I was also thankful when the relationship was over. I gained a deeper understand of others and myself while in the relationship. I also gained some lifelong friends and individuals that became more like family that my own family at times. Although he crossed my mind very rarely he was still holding me back. I cut off a lot of people because I didn’t want to answer questions about him. Recently, I opened myself up to old friendships and new ones. I realized that I was still giving him power over my life. I let him anger me when words that held no truth and after taking some time to myself I accept that I was still angry with myself for not getting out of a situation that everyone saw was wrong for me but I didn't see it.

People say that you can be friends with your ex. But why would you want to? They are ex for a reason. “Ex” is a terminate prefix. With finality and negativity attached to it. I say I refuse to regress. I don’t need to be friends with my ex or to even be cordial. There is no need and no bad blood on my part. I just prefer my life uncomplicated and without unnecessary drama. I think at times I can be too nice but I don’t always need to be the bigger person. I have let go of the anger I felt towards myself.

Regrets hold us back and keep us in a state of “what if.” I told myself I wouldn’t regret any decision I make, I would just take it as a teachable moment and I’ve learned a lot. With that said I’m taking full responsibility for my reclusive-ness over the last couple of years. I’m coming out of my shell and I’m going to love every minute of it! This butterfly has gone through another metamorphosis.