I'm no longer mad at myself...

In this season of thanks giving I find myself at yet another split within myself, which has led me to increased clarity. Why is it that when we are most confused that the greatest breakthroughs come through? I guess it goes back to the old adage about it being the darkest when we can see most clearly, I’m of course paraphrasing because I can’t remember the saying exactly. But with that said let’s start at the beginning of this time of confusion that led into my startlingly moment of clarity.

Very rarely do I think about my ex-boyfriend. Let’s just say that I was thankful for the relationship and I was also thankful when the relationship was over. I gained a deeper understand of others and myself while in the relationship. I also gained some lifelong friends and individuals that became more like family that my own family at times. Although he crossed my mind very rarely he was still holding me back. I cut off a lot of people because I didn’t want to answer questions about him. Recently, I opened myself up to old friendships and new ones. I realized that I was still giving him power over my life. I let him anger me when words that held no truth and after taking some time to myself I accept that I was still angry with myself for not getting out of a situation that everyone saw was wrong for me but I didn't see it.

People say that you can be friends with your ex. But why would you want to? They are ex for a reason. “Ex” is a terminate prefix. With finality and negativity attached to it. I say I refuse to regress. I don’t need to be friends with my ex or to even be cordial. There is no need and no bad blood on my part. I just prefer my life uncomplicated and without unnecessary drama. I think at times I can be too nice but I don’t always need to be the bigger person. I have let go of the anger I felt towards myself.

Regrets hold us back and keep us in a state of “what if.” I told myself I wouldn’t regret any decision I make, I would just take it as a teachable moment and I’ve learned a lot. With that said I’m taking full responsibility for my reclusive-ness over the last couple of years. I’m coming out of my shell and I’m going to love every minute of it! This butterfly has gone through another metamorphosis.

Name change

So for the new readers that I might get, this blog once had a different name. If you go to my very first post you will see that I explain the name of my post. I used to call it Double Consciousness Confessions. What can I say, I was in a W.E.B DuBois and Souls of Black Folk type of mood. The name was a mouthful but it thoroughly described where I was at that stage in my life. Since then I’ve gone through many changes and what better symbol to represent change than a butterfly. Change is the one constant is life. No matter how much we want things to stay the same they never do. I got so comfortable with persistent change that now I welcome it like a soothing balm. So “AButterflynamed7” and “ButterFLY Kisses,” the names are mostly simple to explain and understand: “Butterfly” is a name I was given and “7” is a number that was assigned to me. The “FLY” is capitalized in “ButterFLY Kisses” because I wanted to show the confident side of me. I wanted to acknowledge my inner flyness (for lack of a better word). I like that fact that butterfly and kisses are somewhat oxymoronic. A butterfly is thought of as something fragile yet their strength is evident in their metamorphosis. The force required to break free of their cocoon is what gives them to strength to live. A butterfly cut out of its cocoon will die within 24 hours. A kiss can be turbulent and calm, comforting and disturbing, numbing and painful. So thank you for reading. Comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Little Brother

"Little Brother"

I didn’t yell or scream
But I did throw in a few “hells” and “fucks”
I was worried, I was scared
And his calmness irritated me
It was like he didn’t expect us to care
As I read him the riot act
I couldn’t help but feeling like
I was losing him
Like he was withdrawing from me
But I had every right

Yet I was wrong and couldn’t figure out where I went wrong
He was so used to raised words and harsh adjectives
That I didn’t want him to hear them from me
I didn’t want him to know that my hurt also called for release
So instead I pushed down on the anger that hurt causes
I talk with him not to him or through him
I gave him room to air his feelings
Once he asked me how I was doing
I lied, I said fine
He didn’t need to know
That being the one everyone runs to was taking a toll

I just want the best for him
I want him to have a better view of the world
I want him to live without raised voices and harsh adjectives as the norm
I want him to go out with friends
But I also want him to call when he’s late
To acknowledge that the world is a scary place
Something could happen
But “I can take care of myself” he says
But who is going to take care of me
If something happens to you

She smiled and was young again...

untititled

She stood in front of me in a better mood
Then what I’d even seen
She was different
She was beautiful again
For that brief moment
The toll that life had taken
Wasn’t visible
With a small smirk
She talked about helping her daughter
The one she doesn’t talk to
The one she doesn’t refer to by name
Just “that girl”
I never realized it but I knew it then
She sometimes was the way she was
Because she felt inadequate
She couldn’t take care of her children
The way she wanted to take care of them

(unfinished)

A Good Kiss

"A Good Kiss"

Give me more
Than the mere touching
Of instruments used to assist speech
Assist eating
Assist mating
Give me more
Than the mere touching
Of soft
Tender
Lips

Give me the spark
That travels slowly
Down sensitive skin
On hairs that stand on end
And between valleys
Give me the spark
That travels slowly
Down to toes
And have them
Curl

Give me the caress
That ignites and soothes
Ignites fires
Ignites desires
But most importantly ignites
The heart
Give me the caress
That ignites and soothes
Soothes fears
Soothes doubts
But most importantly soothes
The heart

Click

Sestina: Click

Down quiet corridors my heels click
Click and echo down quiet corridors
I don’t remember wearing heels
Not when I was in high school
I stuck to flats, they didn’t make a statement
Even platforms by never those the end in a point

The heels like my stride made a point
I attracted attention with every click
I made a statement
My journey started in that corridor
Down memory lane to my days at school
Where I didn’t wear heels

Today I strutted with purpose in my heels
Each step ending with a solid point
Who thought I would want to draw attention in school
No longer the shy girls that never wanted to click--
Too loudly down quiet corridors
I wasn’t bold enough to make a statement

Not all students needed to make statements
Not all needed the attention brought by heels
Walking, unhurried, untouched, down corridors--
Was enough at that point
Belonging to some group or clique--
Was enough for some in school

For me, my ticket out was school
No need to make bold statements
No need to join a clique or to click
Loudly in attention grabbing heels
Success was the point
And I did walk purposely down loud corridors

I always walked quietly down loud corridors
I made my mark in school
Getting to the next level was the point
That was the loudest statement
I made it without heels
Now I make it with every click

The quietest walk down the corridor can make the biggest statement
I didn’t do it then but now I always wear heels in school
The point: my confidence is affirmed with each click.

So, I'm not a big post person, at least I haven't been for a while. There was a time that I would post every single day to my Xanga account. I would write out my thoughts, write poetry or just comment on things I found interested. But slowing over the last four years that diminished to almost nothing. I was also a big time reader of blogs and I would post comments and whatnot.

I can honestly say that I lost myself for the last 3.5 years. Although no one wants to admit something like this out loud, I must say that I lost myself in a man. I never thought I would be the type. I figured that I was uniquely independent, that I observed enough relationships to know better. ** this post is going to be real personal** Before this relationship I had been in two other relationships, short ones. One lasting 6 months and the other 3 months. They were short because my motto was if I started losing myself or if I didn't see where the relationship is working that I would end it before it got too deep. So I ended both those relationships with the quickness. I didn't have high school romances, I was a very late bloomer.

I like to think of myself as a very mature and independent woman but not so independent that I wouldn't dependent on someone or ask for help when need be. Actually for the longest time I didn't ask for help or lean on anyone. That has everything to do with my the type of life I had and that's another story that you'll find in my book, once I write it .So back to the fog... Four years ago this month I met a guy and things progress kinda fast. We dated/talked (more so talked and spent time together because we went on few actual dates... this should have been a sign). Two of my good friends (later I found out my best friend as well) didn't like him. They felt that he wasn't good enough for me, that he wasn't attentive enoughto me. I don't know why I didn't realize this myself but again, I was lost in a fog. By May, I was his girlfriend and by June he told me he loved me. Now I didn't know if I loved him, I'd never been in love before. But I felt like I should say it back... so the next day I did.

I've always known that when I loved that I would love hard. So I did and when things weren't going well, I made it work. I met him 90% of the way when he gave me 10%. There were times I surfaced from the fog and asked for a break, I even broke up with him once. But I was in too deep. His family called me and basically begged me to take him back. I did... Don't get me when, it wasn't just for them. I loved him (or thought I did)because of who he was and despite who he was.

Eventually I had marriage on mind and I fought to make it work because I wanted the engagement ring, I wanted to plan a wedding. I wanted to make it work because I loved him and I tought what we had was to be forever. I was willing to put in the work, no matter how hard it was because that what relationships require- work. But when there's no way or the wrong way, God makes a right way. After denying my request for a break, he asked me for one. Yes I was hurt. I cried but I still made myself available to him. I ran errands with you, I hung out with him. Until one day I got tired of hearing about the girls that were "after him," the girls he went on dates with and messed up because he kept talking about me, and I was just tired of holding on to something that he seemingly let go of. I was tired of being hurt and angry all the time. So I ended our "friendship."I told him we couldn't be friends for awhile. Let's just say after that he made it easy for me to see why it was a good thing the relationship was over. Don't get me wrong it had its good times, its wonderful times but closer to the end those were the exceptions and not the rules.

During my fog, I missed out on a lot. Having great conversations with males, posting and responding to posts, knowing when my friends were hurting, putting me frist, and most importantly writing poetry. I also lost pride in my accomplishments. He made me feel like what I owned and was aiming for was a burden on the relationship.I'm a very independent and ambitious woman and I now know that I need a man who is not intimadated by that ,but encourages me and is just as motivated to realize his goals as I am with mine.Forgive the length, I had a lot to share.