So, I'm not a big post person, at least I haven't been for a while. There was a time that I would post every single day to my Xanga account. I would write out my thoughts, write poetry or just comment on things I found interested. But slowing over the last four years that diminished to almost nothing. I was also a big time reader of blogs and I would post comments and whatnot.

I can honestly say that I lost myself for the last 3.5 years. Although no one wants to admit something like this out loud, I must say that I lost myself in a man. I never thought I would be the type. I figured that I was uniquely independent, that I observed enough relationships to know better. ** this post is going to be real personal** Before this relationship I had been in two other relationships, short ones. One lasting 6 months and the other 3 months. They were short because my motto was if I started losing myself or if I didn't see where the relationship is working that I would end it before it got too deep. So I ended both those relationships with the quickness. I didn't have high school romances, I was a very late bloomer.

I like to think of myself as a very mature and independent woman but not so independent that I wouldn't dependent on someone or ask for help when need be. Actually for the longest time I didn't ask for help or lean on anyone. That has everything to do with my the type of life I had and that's another story that you'll find in my book, once I write it .So back to the fog... Four years ago this month I met a guy and things progress kinda fast. We dated/talked (more so talked and spent time together because we went on few actual dates... this should have been a sign). Two of my good friends (later I found out my best friend as well) didn't like him. They felt that he wasn't good enough for me, that he wasn't attentive enoughto me. I don't know why I didn't realize this myself but again, I was lost in a fog. By May, I was his girlfriend and by June he told me he loved me. Now I didn't know if I loved him, I'd never been in love before. But I felt like I should say it back... so the next day I did.

I've always known that when I loved that I would love hard. So I did and when things weren't going well, I made it work. I met him 90% of the way when he gave me 10%. There were times I surfaced from the fog and asked for a break, I even broke up with him once. But I was in too deep. His family called me and basically begged me to take him back. I did... Don't get me when, it wasn't just for them. I loved him (or thought I did)because of who he was and despite who he was.

Eventually I had marriage on mind and I fought to make it work because I wanted the engagement ring, I wanted to plan a wedding. I wanted to make it work because I loved him and I tought what we had was to be forever. I was willing to put in the work, no matter how hard it was because that what relationships require- work. But when there's no way or the wrong way, God makes a right way. After denying my request for a break, he asked me for one. Yes I was hurt. I cried but I still made myself available to him. I ran errands with you, I hung out with him. Until one day I got tired of hearing about the girls that were "after him," the girls he went on dates with and messed up because he kept talking about me, and I was just tired of holding on to something that he seemingly let go of. I was tired of being hurt and angry all the time. So I ended our "friendship."I told him we couldn't be friends for awhile. Let's just say after that he made it easy for me to see why it was a good thing the relationship was over. Don't get me wrong it had its good times, its wonderful times but closer to the end those were the exceptions and not the rules.

During my fog, I missed out on a lot. Having great conversations with males, posting and responding to posts, knowing when my friends were hurting, putting me frist, and most importantly writing poetry. I also lost pride in my accomplishments. He made me feel like what I owned and was aiming for was a burden on the relationship.I'm a very independent and ambitious woman and I now know that I need a man who is not intimadated by that ,but encourages me and is just as motivated to realize his goals as I am with mine.Forgive the length, I had a lot to share.