The glue...

So this past weekend, I ran an experiment.  A test, if you will.  You know like that scene in For Colored Girls where Loretta Divine (Green) is telling dude (well, dude’s door) that her loving him was all a test to see if he could love her back?  Well I did something like that but not with no dude, I would never do that again.  I did it with family.  I've always been classed the glue, you know that one that wholes everything together because I'm the one that plans stuff and convinces people to come out and all that jazz.  Well for once I wanted my family to contact me, and not for selfish reasons.  I wanted more than the can you come out with me with this guy or with my girls because I like him and shouldn't or because I don't like them bishes but I can't tell them that.

So I didn't contact family and in my mind dared them to reach out to me.  I mean it was Thanksgiving and all that.  Well you know what, they didn't (well one sister did, big shout out to my favorite and only big sis I got).  I knew said family wouldn't and no matter how much I want her too, she's too caught up in everyone else to have time for me.  It hurts, especially since I'm always there for her if she needs me.  Know don't get me wrong, when my birthday rolled away I received a lovely card with wonderful words but words don't mean anything without follow through.

Getting back to my glue-likeness.  She's not the only one that uses my Elmer-like quality.  I have friends that when I was in the picture we all hung out together but after I leave friends A, B and C no longer talk to friend D.  What's up with that?  My friend told me straight up: "It was you' you held us together."  Damn I don't mind because the catalyst to a friendship but must I be the covalent bond as well (is it covalent or ionic?  damn, I miss chemistry).

Along with being glue-like is being the planner, the nurturer and the follow-through(er).  Is is so much to ask for someone to take care of my behind, to bond me up for some atoms, to plan something with the old crew and new crew?  Can I be the one to get a card when I'm down?  Some flowers when I'm more than a bit sad?  Can you go out and grab a drink with me?  Can you double date with me with a guy that I'm not quite feeling but wanna get a free meal/activity from?  Get on a plane, on a bus, or in a car to visit me?  But yourself out, way out just a bit, for me?

You know what, Sean Paul, I don't want to stick to my friend/family like glue!

I'm no longer mad at myself...

In this season of thanks giving I find myself at yet another split within myself, which has led me to increased clarity. Why is it that when we are most confused that the greatest breakthroughs come through? I guess it goes back to the old adage about it being the darkest when we can see most clearly, I’m of course paraphrasing because I can’t remember the saying exactly. But with that said let’s start at the beginning of this time of confusion that led into my startlingly moment of clarity.

Very rarely do I think about my ex-boyfriend. Let’s just say that I was thankful for the relationship and I was also thankful when the relationship was over. I gained a deeper understand of others and myself while in the relationship. I also gained some lifelong friends and individuals that became more like family that my own family at times. Although he crossed my mind very rarely he was still holding me back. I cut off a lot of people because I didn’t want to answer questions about him. Recently, I opened myself up to old friendships and new ones. I realized that I was still giving him power over my life. I let him anger me when words that held no truth and after taking some time to myself I accept that I was still angry with myself for not getting out of a situation that everyone saw was wrong for me but I didn't see it.

People say that you can be friends with your ex. But why would you want to? They are ex for a reason. “Ex” is a terminate prefix. With finality and negativity attached to it. I say I refuse to regress. I don’t need to be friends with my ex or to even be cordial. There is no need and no bad blood on my part. I just prefer my life uncomplicated and without unnecessary drama. I think at times I can be too nice but I don’t always need to be the bigger person. I have let go of the anger I felt towards myself.

Regrets hold us back and keep us in a state of “what if.” I told myself I wouldn’t regret any decision I make, I would just take it as a teachable moment and I’ve learned a lot. With that said I’m taking full responsibility for my reclusive-ness over the last couple of years. I’m coming out of my shell and I’m going to love every minute of it! This butterfly has gone through another metamorphosis.

Name change

So for the new readers that I might get, this blog once had a different name. If you go to my very first post you will see that I explain the name of my post. I used to call it Double Consciousness Confessions. What can I say, I was in a W.E.B DuBois and Souls of Black Folk type of mood. The name was a mouthful but it thoroughly described where I was at that stage in my life. Since then I’ve gone through many changes and what better symbol to represent change than a butterfly. Change is the one constant is life. No matter how much we want things to stay the same they never do. I got so comfortable with persistent change that now I welcome it like a soothing balm. So “AButterflynamed7” and “ButterFLY Kisses,” the names are mostly simple to explain and understand: “Butterfly” is a name I was given and “7” is a number that was assigned to me. The “FLY” is capitalized in “ButterFLY Kisses” because I wanted to show the confident side of me. I wanted to acknowledge my inner flyness (for lack of a better word). I like that fact that butterfly and kisses are somewhat oxymoronic. A butterfly is thought of as something fragile yet their strength is evident in their metamorphosis. The force required to break free of their cocoon is what gives them to strength to live. A butterfly cut out of its cocoon will die within 24 hours. A kiss can be turbulent and calm, comforting and disturbing, numbing and painful. So thank you for reading. Comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Little Brother

"Little Brother"

I didn’t yell or scream
But I did throw in a few “hells” and “fucks”
I was worried, I was scared
And his calmness irritated me
It was like he didn’t expect us to care
As I read him the riot act
I couldn’t help but feeling like
I was losing him
Like he was withdrawing from me
But I had every right

Yet I was wrong and couldn’t figure out where I went wrong
He was so used to raised words and harsh adjectives
That I didn’t want him to hear them from me
I didn’t want him to know that my hurt also called for release
So instead I pushed down on the anger that hurt causes
I talk with him not to him or through him
I gave him room to air his feelings
Once he asked me how I was doing
I lied, I said fine
He didn’t need to know
That being the one everyone runs to was taking a toll

I just want the best for him
I want him to have a better view of the world
I want him to live without raised voices and harsh adjectives as the norm
I want him to go out with friends
But I also want him to call when he’s late
To acknowledge that the world is a scary place
Something could happen
But “I can take care of myself” he says
But who is going to take care of me
If something happens to you

She smiled and was young again...

untititled

She stood in front of me in a better mood
Then what I’d even seen
She was different
She was beautiful again
For that brief moment
The toll that life had taken
Wasn’t visible
With a small smirk
She talked about helping her daughter
The one she doesn’t talk to
The one she doesn’t refer to by name
Just “that girl”
I never realized it but I knew it then
She sometimes was the way she was
Because she felt inadequate
She couldn’t take care of her children
The way she wanted to take care of them

(unfinished)

A Good Kiss

"A Good Kiss"

Give me more
Than the mere touching
Of instruments used to assist speech
Assist eating
Assist mating
Give me more
Than the mere touching
Of soft
Tender
Lips

Give me the spark
That travels slowly
Down sensitive skin
On hairs that stand on end
And between valleys
Give me the spark
That travels slowly
Down to toes
And have them
Curl

Give me the caress
That ignites and soothes
Ignites fires
Ignites desires
But most importantly ignites
The heart
Give me the caress
That ignites and soothes
Soothes fears
Soothes doubts
But most importantly soothes
The heart

Click

Sestina: Click

Down quiet corridors my heels click
Click and echo down quiet corridors
I don’t remember wearing heels
Not when I was in high school
I stuck to flats, they didn’t make a statement
Even platforms by never those the end in a point

The heels like my stride made a point
I attracted attention with every click
I made a statement
My journey started in that corridor
Down memory lane to my days at school
Where I didn’t wear heels

Today I strutted with purpose in my heels
Each step ending with a solid point
Who thought I would want to draw attention in school
No longer the shy girls that never wanted to click--
Too loudly down quiet corridors
I wasn’t bold enough to make a statement

Not all students needed to make statements
Not all needed the attention brought by heels
Walking, unhurried, untouched, down corridors--
Was enough at that point
Belonging to some group or clique--
Was enough for some in school

For me, my ticket out was school
No need to make bold statements
No need to join a clique or to click
Loudly in attention grabbing heels
Success was the point
And I did walk purposely down loud corridors

I always walked quietly down loud corridors
I made my mark in school
Getting to the next level was the point
That was the loudest statement
I made it without heels
Now I make it with every click

The quietest walk down the corridor can make the biggest statement
I didn’t do it then but now I always wear heels in school
The point: my confidence is affirmed with each click.