The Funny Thing About Attention...

The Funny Thing About Attention

So the other day I was walking my dog and then enter Junior.

“Can I talk to you for a second?”

“I kind of busy here,” I say as I look down at my dog and try to tug her along.

“Can I ask you a question?  What’s your name?”

I couldn’t even lie about my name; it was stitched into my line jacket.

“I’m Junior.”

Of course you are, you’re Jamaican.  Most male yardies (Jamaicans) are named after their father and in turn are called Junior.

I'm sure I'm not the only woman out there that feels unpretty every so often. Truth be told only ugly women never feel unattractive. Ugly people seem to have this false sense of beauty.  But I digress... I go through my bouts of insecurity where I think I’m unattractive and undesirable; it usually happens when I have stop dating someone or I noticed that I haven’t been hit on in awhile.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go about my day wishes that someone would hit on me, but attention from the opposite sex is reaffirming.  Anyone that says different is lying.

 So what do I do when I’m feeling unattractive, no one hits on me for a few days, and all of a sudden someone does?  I brush him off of course.  I mean, seriously, no good can come from entertaining a pick up when you are in an unpretty mood.  Who’s to say that you didn’t just give in to the weak pickup because the attention had a numbing affect on your senses?

The funny thing about attention is, you want it until you get it.  Once you get it, you don’t want it anymore.  This could be for several reasons.  The most obvious of which is, you want the attention but you didn’t want attention from that person.  Other reasons include… who am I kidding?  That’s the only reason that matters in this post.  You got what you wanted just not from who you wanted it from.  So the problem isn’t in the getting, it’s in the accepting.  If all we wanted was attention to dispel the doubts about our attractiveness then we would never have them.  Like my pole dancing instructor said, “Somebody wants it, I guarantee, that somebody wants it.”  Truer words have never been spoken.  I want attention from someone that will make me forget my rules and reservations, not someone that makes me hide being my proper and sometimes uptight façade.

Lies I've Told Myself (started months ago...)

I have these moments of naked vulnerability that produces sound, insightful and entertaining blog entries.  I don’t know if this will be one of those times but I’ll try to remain uncloaked throughout this entry.  This blog was started at the twilight of last year (2011) and I couldn't bring myself to finish or post but here is is...

So on to the blog.  Three things… lies I’ve told myself.

I could have a male friend:  I lied to myself… I made a fool of me.  Earlier this year I wrote a blog about lies I no longer believe and even though I came to the very real realization that men and women cannot be best friends I still perpetuated the lie by refusing to let go of guy friends that weren’t really friends, one in particular.  But how do you let go when it’s so easy to relapse?   I’ve never had any addictions and have always been able to let go of things I felt was becoming something that I was overindulging in... but not this.  This is a person, a friend, a lover (once upon a time, well quite a few times), a support system, and a lifeline.  Although he fits all of those descriptions, something he isn’t and I don’t think could ever be is a boyfriend or future husband and knowing that means I know that I can’t really grow or find a boyfriend or future husband with him in my life to the extent he's been.  I know that if I called him he would always come, therein lays the problem.  He always comes when I call.  I have the power to decide whether or not he’s a part of my life and even though I’ve cut him out for weeks, months, even years of my life I still know he’ll be there when I call.  Even when I say things that are hurtful he’s still there.  It’s this weird interdependency that keeps us both from truly finding someone.  So how, pray tell, do I avoid the awkward moments like going to see Friends with Benefits on the anniversary of day I lost my virginity to the person who was once my sometimes friend with benefits who also happen to have taken my virginity?  He’s not my friend, he’s my anchor.  So although I've cut certain things out of our friendship, he's sill and will always be a good friend.  The thing is, he has to be a friend from a distance and I have to create the needed space.  You let go by doing just that, letting go.  It's the easiest and hardest thing to do.  Who ever came up with that out of sight, out of mind crap was full of... well crap.  It has to first be out of mind... Male friends that were once more than a friend could never be.

I could have it all:  The truth of the matter is no one can have it all.  I can’t be a master of all trades; I can’t be a modern day renaissance woman.  I can be the master of many trades and a jack of the rest but I can’t be all and have all.  I’ll leave this year (2011) having know all types of disappointments because I've been somewhat spoiled by my blessings and lack of risk taking.  The truth is you can't have it all at the same time.  So I'm working out the balance needed to have as much as possible without letting too many things (mostly myself) suffer.

What they think doesn't matter:  Don't get me wrong this does not apply to the masses, it applies to family.  So you know how family is always the ones to hurt you the most and love you the most.  I woke up to the realization that what they think matters but what you do with that knowledge matters more.  There comes a time when you make new family and let go of the bitter disappointment the one before caused you.  You start to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be. 

Signed,
Let go to let yourself grow