Lies I've Told Myself (started months ago...)

I have these moments of naked vulnerability that produces sound, insightful and entertaining blog entries.  I don’t know if this will be one of those times but I’ll try to remain uncloaked throughout this entry.  This blog was started at the twilight of last year (2011) and I couldn't bring myself to finish or post but here is is...

So on to the blog.  Three things… lies I’ve told myself.

I could have a male friend:  I lied to myself… I made a fool of me.  Earlier this year I wrote a blog about lies I no longer believe and even though I came to the very real realization that men and women cannot be best friends I still perpetuated the lie by refusing to let go of guy friends that weren’t really friends, one in particular.  But how do you let go when it’s so easy to relapse?   I’ve never had any addictions and have always been able to let go of things I felt was becoming something that I was overindulging in... but not this.  This is a person, a friend, a lover (once upon a time, well quite a few times), a support system, and a lifeline.  Although he fits all of those descriptions, something he isn’t and I don’t think could ever be is a boyfriend or future husband and knowing that means I know that I can’t really grow or find a boyfriend or future husband with him in my life to the extent he's been.  I know that if I called him he would always come, therein lays the problem.  He always comes when I call.  I have the power to decide whether or not he’s a part of my life and even though I’ve cut him out for weeks, months, even years of my life I still know he’ll be there when I call.  Even when I say things that are hurtful he’s still there.  It’s this weird interdependency that keeps us both from truly finding someone.  So how, pray tell, do I avoid the awkward moments like going to see Friends with Benefits on the anniversary of day I lost my virginity to the person who was once my sometimes friend with benefits who also happen to have taken my virginity?  He’s not my friend, he’s my anchor.  So although I've cut certain things out of our friendship, he's sill and will always be a good friend.  The thing is, he has to be a friend from a distance and I have to create the needed space.  You let go by doing just that, letting go.  It's the easiest and hardest thing to do.  Who ever came up with that out of sight, out of mind crap was full of... well crap.  It has to first be out of mind... Male friends that were once more than a friend could never be.

I could have it all:  The truth of the matter is no one can have it all.  I can’t be a master of all trades; I can’t be a modern day renaissance woman.  I can be the master of many trades and a jack of the rest but I can’t be all and have all.  I’ll leave this year (2011) having know all types of disappointments because I've been somewhat spoiled by my blessings and lack of risk taking.  The truth is you can't have it all at the same time.  So I'm working out the balance needed to have as much as possible without letting too many things (mostly myself) suffer.

What they think doesn't matter:  Don't get me wrong this does not apply to the masses, it applies to family.  So you know how family is always the ones to hurt you the most and love you the most.  I woke up to the realization that what they think matters but what you do with that knowledge matters more.  There comes a time when you make new family and let go of the bitter disappointment the one before caused you.  You start to accept them for who they are and not who you want them to be. 

Signed,
Let go to let yourself grow